Episode 1 · Teen · 18+ private alpha
Lantern Exclusive
Chapter One
I Am Both
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Consciousness returned in fragments. Memories of two lives overlapped, blurring together until I could not tell where one ended and the other began. My mind raced in desperation, searching for the missing space between drifting in a hot air balloon as a preteen and waking to an unfamiliar world as an age-accelerated clone.
Which one am I? Anne or Anika?
The faint sterile scent of disinfectants crept into my nostrils, pulling me closer to the present.
I am both.
My thoughts jumped to the moment before the medically induced coma. I glided my hands over my tender abdomen, instinctively searching for my son’s movement. My hands froze at the emptiness, and my eyes flew open.
How much time has passed? Where’s my baby?
My heart pounded with worry until the memory of God’s reassurance of my son’s well-being broke free. A monitor behind me and to my right, flashed red and emitted a series of piercing beeps.
He has to be alive. The doctor must have cut him out.
My racing pulse steadied as I pulled in a trembling breath with a desperate longing rising to see my baby.
As Anika, I had lived in a muted world, but returning as Anne, the world reawakened with me in brilliant clarity. Vivid colors flooded back. Sounds sharpened, snapping into focus. I searched the room for my newborn son.
Why isn’t he here?
The afternoon sun cast a golden beam through a gap in the navy curtains onto a two-foot-long silver table, illuminating an oversized cream-colored alpaca plush.
“Alpacas.” I rolled my eyes and chuckled. “I can’t believe I learned to love those animals.”
Rapid footsteps approached.
A clean-shaven man with shoulder-length hair, striped black and white like a zebra’s coat, entered the room wearing scrubs that matched the animal’s colors. His ultra-white teeth shined as he smiled and turned off the alert. “Wonderful. You’re finally back. It took a bit longer for you to wake up than we expected. We’ve all been a bit worried about you, especially your family.”
“Oh?”
“How are you feeling?”
I cleared my tender throat and spoke in a raspy voice. “I’m okay. Where’s my baby? I want to see him.”
“He’s in the nursery with your mom, Ms. Harkins. I’ll let her and the staff know you’re awake.”
I smiled. “Thank you.”
A few minutes after he left the room, my mom entered with a trembling smile and eyes glistening with joyful relief. My sweet baby boy slept in a glass bassinet she rolled toward my bedside. His full head of dark brown hair, so like Gideon’s, peeked from beneath a powder-blue beanie made from alpaca yarn. “Thank God you’re finally awake. We’ve all been so terribly worried about you.”
Grateful tears filled my eyes as pure bliss surged through me. “My goodness. He’s so beautiful.”
“He most certainly is.” Mom rushed to hug me. “Your dad wanted me to let you know that he planned on waiting for you to regain consciousness, but he had to return to the island.”
“Is he sick?”
“No. He’s fine. Healthy as a horse. The animal care center tried to get a hold of you this morning about your cat, but when they couldn’t reach you or Gideon, they called us.”
“Why?”
“The gardener found Dottie moaning in the bushes in front of your place. He put his sweatshirt inside a crate, she climbed inside, and he drove her to the care center.”
“Oh no. My poor kitty. Is she okay? Please tell me she’s okay. She must’ve wondered what happened to me. It’s not like I could explain what was going on. I hope she didn’t think I died or abandoned her.”
“Gideon has been bringing your sister to your house to play with your cat after school on the days he works in her classroom. Dottie loves Laurie, even though she said your cat seems a bit confused when she comes over. She said your cat stares at her a while before letting her pet her. Laurie thinks it’s because you’ve been away, and she looks like a mini you. But lately Gideon’s been here on the mainland most of the time since it was close to the time the baby was due.”
“But is Dottie okay?”
“Oh. Yes. I’m sorry. Dottie and her kittens are doing just fine.”
“Kittens?”
Mom chuckled. “Yeah. She had three. The father probably has similar coloring because they’re all spotted black and white.”
“How is that possible? Dad told us she was fixed.”
“Clearly, he was misinformed. But she is now.”
“Wow. Gideon and I were talking about getting a second cat to keep Dottie company, but I guess one already has been.”
We laughed.
“So, your dad is getting them situated at your house in one of the extra bedrooms, and he’ll come when he can. Probably tomorrow. He wants to make sure they’re okay. Dottie still seems a bit frazzled.”
“I hoped I could talk to you together, but I understand. I’m glad he can help Dottie and her kitties.”
Mom let go and stood. “He’s happy to, but it’s bad timing. Your dad has missed you something awful. He really wanted to be here, or at least on the mainland, when you woke up. But he knew you’d understand.”
“I do. Of course.” I drew a trembling breath. “Oh Mom. I don’t know what would have happened if you hadn’t adopted me. You saved me. I know you did. I’ll never forget that. You were there for me when I didn’t even know how to be and when Uncle Miles and my parents wouldn’t keep me. You helped me grow up. I wouldn’t be okay now without you. I need you to know that I love you and my dad both so much.”
“We love you too, Anika. Where’s all this coming from?”
I swallowed hard, already dreading how my news would affect her. “There’s something I need to tell you, but please don’t worry.”
“Worry? What’s going on? Are you all right?”
“I’m okay, but things might be a little different now. Not between us but between everyone else and me.”
“Different? How so?”
A nurse with long, burgundy-colored hair, carrying the aroma of vanilla and sandalwood perfume smiled as she entered. “Welcome back. How are you feeling, Anika?”
I tucked my hair behind my ears. “Good. I have a little pain, but I don’t mind it. I don’t need anything for it.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes. I’m okay.” I took a sip of water and winced at my throat’s soreness when I swallowed. “How soon can you take this out of my hand? It stings a bit.”
“You had a feeding tube, but we removed it before your C-section. We will need to see how you tolerate regular food before taking that out. For now, we’ll continue IV fluids to keep you hydrated, especially while you are breastfeeding.” A small smile tugged at her mouth while she checked the tubing at my wrist. “Do you feel nauseous or dizzy? Any grogginess?”
I shook my head. “No. I was a little confused at first about who I am and where I’m at, but I figured everything out. I think I’m okay now.”
“That’s completely normal. You seem surprisingly alert.” The nurse peeled back the covers from my feet. “They’re a little cold. Would you like socks or an extra blanket?”
“No thank you. Neither. Um. So, since I’m not too weak, am I allowed to hold my son if my mom helps me?”
“As soon as I finish up.”
Mom stepped back to give the nurse room to check my vitals. “I’d be happy to help when you’re done.”
“The doctor was right. He said if they had to cut me open and take him out, the wound seal would only leave a little mark, and my tummy isn’t super poofy. It’s not like it used to be in the olden days when it took a lot longer to heal.” I chuckled.” It’s hard to tell when he did the C-section. How old is my baby?”
“Your son was born last night with perfect Apgar scores.” The young woman used a device to listen to my heart. “And you’re right. Modern medicine is truly phenomenal. Well. You’re proof of that.”
“Yeah. I guess I am.” I drew a nervous breath. “Uh. Where’s Gideon? Is he here?”
“No. He and most of the family left to get some sleep after a long night. I’m sure he would rush back if he knew you finally woke up, but the poor young man is exhausted. It’s been rough on him, watching and waiting. He’s been so worried. He kept mumbling to himself that he couldn’t bear losing you again. Sleep deprivation. Poor guy. I was told he dozed off a few times in the recovery room even after drinking who knows how many cups of coffee.”
“Oh. He must have been really tired. He hates coffee. Other than being sleepy, did he seem okay?”
She nodded. “He was in good spirits. Gideon didn’t stop smiling when he got to hold his son. He was anxious for you to see the baby, but he couldn’t stay awake any longer.”
“That’s so sweet that he tried.”
“He waited around for hours for you to wake up, but when you didn’t, I insisted he joined his folks and got some rest. Gideon finally gave in when the pediatrician told him it wasn’t safe for him to hold the baby when he was so fatigued.” Mom smiled. “And Caden should be here soon. He’s staying at the mansion. He texted me that he just got out of the shower about ten minutes ago.”
“The mansion? I thought Uncle Miles sold it when he bought the houses on the island.”
“He unlisted it. Too many memories. Miles realized he’s too attached to it, and he wanted a place where we could all get together on the mainland. You know, to give everyone an option besides staying at a hotel. And he didn’t want to let go of his staff. They’ve become like family to him after his wife passed.”
“Oh. Okay.”
“I’ll text everyone to let them know you’re awake, but they’ll need to let your husband rest.”
“Husband. Oh Mom, my deepest wishes have come true. I’ve only always wanted this life with Gideon. Always. There was never anyone else, not even the slightest crush, just him.” Happy tears raced down my cheeks. “Can I hold my baby, please?”
The nurse nodded. “Of course.”
The ladies raised the bed and got me positioned before carefully placing my son in my arms. We used additional support from a pillow as I lacked my full strength.
I studied his soft, precious little pale face, and nothing else seemed to matter. The clean scent of soap and fresh blankets clung to him, and I kept my eyes on him, unable to look away. My baby boy was finally here. “He’s a miracle. He’s perfect. He looks like a miniature Gideon. This is real. I’m a mother. Gideon and I have a baby. I’m so happy.”
Mom pulled up a chair and helped guide him into position for nursing. “He has Gideon’s dark hair and dimples, but he’s got your beautiful brown eyes.”
A warm smile spread across my face. “He does? He has eyes like mine?”
She nodded.
“I wish he’d open them so I could see.”
“After all your talk about hoping for a baby with hazel eyes, you’re not a little disappointed that his are brown?”
I shook my head. “Not even a teeny tiny bit. He’s alive and healthy. That’s all I care about. He’s so little. So precious, Mom. I’m so thankful. He’s better than anything I could have ever dreamed of. He’s so cute. I love him with all that I am.”
My son opened his eyes.
My heart melted. “He does have brown eyes. Oh, my goodness. My sweet, brown-eyed baby boy. My little miracle. Hi baby. I’m your mother. I’m sorry I wasn’t awake when you were born, but I love you so much.”
The nurse took my dinner order and stepped away.
I kissed my son’s forehead. “What’s his name?”
Mom lifted one of his tiny, fragile hands. “He doesn’t have one yet. Gideon has a few ideas, but he wanted to wait for you to wake up before adding a name to his birth certificate. That way you could decide together. Although, I especially like one of the names, if you’re interested in my input.”
“Of course I am. Which one?”
“Andeon. A mix of both of your names.”
“Andeon? I don’t remember Gideon mentioning that one.”
“He didn’t. Caden came up with it a few days ago.”
“He did?”
Mom nodded. “What do you think?”
I grinned. “I love it.”
“Me too.”
I studied her face and drew a deep breath through my nose.
“You had something you wanted to tell me?”
I sniffled. “Uh. Yeah. I do.”
“Go on then.”
“Mom?”
“Yes, Anika?”
“They were right.”
“Who was? About what?”
“Me.”
“You?”
“Who I am. Who I’ve been all along but couldn’t remember.”
The sparkle in her eyes dimmed, and the corners of my mom’s mouth fell. Her expression displayed the same sorrow and panic as it had when my biological parents had changed their minds about me and desperately wanted to be a part of my life. “You remember everything?”
“Yes, but this doesn’t change anything between us. I need you to know that.”
“Everything?” She covered her mouth with her hands.
I nodded. “Yeah. All of Anne’s life. My life with my mother and my father, and all my friends, even Nyxie. She was one of my best friends. I remember all of it. I remember who I am. I’m her.”
Mom’s eyes welled with tears. “You really are Anne? Truly?”
“Yeah. I really am. I died again at the hospital before they brought me here. Did you know that?”
“Of course I knew. We all did. Your heart stopped when they put you into the coma. You had an allergic reaction, but they were able to restart it right away.”
“I saw the light again. He asked me if I wanted to remember everything else before I went back. He asked if I wanted the missing pieces of my life. I said yes. He knew I wanted to be with Gideon and my family and friends more than anything, even getting into heaven early. He made an exception for me when he sent my soul back into this body.”
“You think God spoke to you?”
“Yes. I couldn’t have made that all up. I’m in a different body. I have a new brain. Laurie’s also a clone, but she didn’t get Anne’s memories. I did. Because they’re mine. Where else could all of them come from?” I nestled my head into my pillow. “I even remember being a little girl. I remember everything from about age three or four, like most people do. And it all makes sense now.”
“What does?”
“People kept asking how I learned so much so fast. It’s because it was all slowly coming back. I had so many moments of Déjà vu. There’s no way I could’ve caught up to where I did if the pieces of the old me weren’t in my mind somewhere. Still, I missed out on schooling so I’m going to want to learn the rest of the stuff I missed. I wonder if Ms. Busfield will let me go part time or tutor me.”
“She said you could. I can’t imagine she changed her mind. Besides, they allow students to attend until their twentieth birthday.”
“That’s right. I missed so much.” I sighed. “But I’m grateful to be here at all.”
“Do you feel any different?”
“Different than I did as Anika?”
“Yeah.”
“Yes. Everything is so much clearer than when I came back as Anika. I didn’t even remember seeing a house cat. The names for things I struggled to learn in school are all in my mind. But this is so much more. My memories. Colors and sounds. It’s intense, Mom. I bet this is how someone feels when they first get glasses or get a hearing aid. It’s wonderful, but at the same time, I feel strange.”
“How so?”
“It’s almost like I’m two different people. I know I’m not. Anne’s and Anika’s memories are both mine, but it’s confusing. I keep trying to find the missing time between my lives, but it’s gone. There’s a huge hole there. Can you imagine waking up one day and years had passed?”
“No. Not really.”
“I know it’s because I died. I understand what happened, but I can’t stop trying to find my early teenage years. I was twelve when I died. And here I am.”
Mom brushed away her teary eyes.
“I’m having a hard time wrapping my mind around everything, including being married and having a baby. It feels like I was put in a coma to save Gideon’s and my baby yesterday, but it also feels like I was riding a hot air balloon with Mardi hoping it would impress Gideon. And the pain. I remember the terrible ache I had for so many years when Gideon just couldn’t see me as more than a friend. I did my best to hide it, but the pain went into my soul, Mom. I can still feel the hurt and embarrassment for how hard I chased after him. Sometimes the agony was so much the last two years before I passed. If I didn’t have my friends and my music, I think I would’ve died from a broken heart. I tried to be brave and happy and not bring anyone down, but the hurt, Mom. The pain was unbearable at times. I can’t count how many nights I cried myself to sleep.”
“You remembered some of that before. Gideon loves you. You’re married and have this beautiful baby boy. That’s all in the past. You need to focus on the good around you.”
“Oh, I know. I know how blessed I am. It’s just—”
“It’s just what?”
“I’m so nervous about seeing him.”
“Whatever for?”
“The memories of my life at the schoolhouse as Anne, Gideon’s friend, don’t feel years away. They feel like yesterday.” Tears welled in my eyes. “He knew me for many years, but he never gave me a chance. Then I died, and a clone of me shows up at school, and it’s like instant love. He only pushed me away once when he thought I was pressuring him and using Caden to make him jealous. He told me later on that he felt guilty wanting me when he couldn’t love Anne that way. But he loved Anika almost immediately. Gideon said he never met anyone sweeter or anyone he wanted to pursue. He said he never had romantic feelings for Anne.”
“Oh. I see. And that hurts.”
“Yeah. A lot. I know it shouldn’t. It doesn’t make sense for it to bother me since I’m both Anne and Anika.”
“But it does.”
“Yes. I feel hurt that he could love a stranger but not me.”
She sighed. “You didn’t have any memories of your past when you met him as Anika, but you are still the same—”
“I know it doesn’t make sense, Mom. But when Gideon told me a part of him deep down thought I was Anne, and he always loved me, I didn’t believe him. I couldn’t because he never gave me a chance before I was shot and died.”
“You need to remember something. Gideon was a young boy when you pursued him. You weren’t even quite teenagers when you passed away. From what I gathered from everyone who knew you before, as Anne, you pursued that boy from day one. Perhaps he was afraid.”
“Afraid of what? People keep saying that. I didn’t threaten him. I don’t think I ever spoke an unkind word to Gideon. I wasn’t angry at him for not liking me. I was heartbroken. I don’t understand how he could’ve been afraid. I never tried to kiss him or anything. I just made sure he knew I loved him. What’s so terrible about that?”
“Nothing at all, but children develop at their own pace. Some don’t show romantic interest in anyone until they’re a little older. Or maybe he used his parents’ strictness and rules as an excuse to protect himself from having to deal with feelings he wasn’t mature enough to handle. Maybe that’s why he made excuses to not like you the way you wanted.”
“I’ve heard that before, but it doesn’t make it hurt any less. I can’t remember how many times I told him I loved him. He would sometimes say it back, but when he did, he’d always add as a friend.”
“Look at the facts. Gideon was always kind to you. He kept your secrets. My sweet girl, he even saved your life. That young man has always cared about you and never stopped being your friend even when he was put off when you boasted about the good deeds you did.”
“I’m really embarrassed about that. I didn’t realize how that came across, and I planned on stopping since he always made excuses to walk away whenever I talked to him about it. That’s why I wanted to try something new. That’s why I rode in the hot air balloon. But telling him about the fundraisers wasn’t just about wanting Gideon to know I was a good person.”
“It wasn’t?”
“No. I told him stuff hoping he’d join whatever charity I was helping my parents with. I just wanted more time with him beyond school and hanging out with our friends. I just hoped that—”
The nurse returned. “Your son’s pediatrician, Dr. Gambrall, is back to check on your son. I need to bring your precious miracle to the nursery for his examination. It won’t be too long.”
“Oh. Okay. He’s asleep again anyway.” I kissed my son’s forehead and handed him to her. “I love you, my sweet boy.”
Mom continued her guidance after they exited. “Did the Castels ever tell you about Gideon’s behavior when you died?”
I shook my head. “Not much, but I never asked. What did they tell you?”
“Gideon barely ate anything, and he had nightmares about you getting shot almost every night for months.”
“He did?”
“Yes. They had to give him meal shakes and vitamin shots because he lost his appetite and had trouble keeping food down. Gideon dropped ten pounds, which worried them something awful since he was always a lean boy.”
“Oh. That’s awful. He never said anything to me about that.”
“Gideon disappeared the night you died. The last thing he told his parents was that he didn’t understand why, but losing you felt like part of him had been ripped from his chest. They spent most of the night trying to find him. The full moon provided the only light since the lighthouse was being repaired. The Mounties found him on the north banks, standing on rocks in the darkness, staring out at the ocean, sobbing. His folks were terrified and made him promise never to wander off again. Being the good son he has always been, he agreed and apologized for making them worry. Still, he continued to cry himself to sleep most nights.”
“That’s awful. I didn’t know that.”
“His mother told me it was like the light in his eyes dimmed when he watched you get shot during the live stream of your balloon ride. He carried such heavy sorrow every day since your death that nothing could shake.”
I sniffled. “I didn’t know my death affected him so deeply, Mom. I knew he was my friend, but all that suffering? I never imagined that was possible.”
“It was. Your friends mourned you, but none more than him.”
I sighed. “Poor Gideon.”
“But things started to improve when Gideon’s therapist taught him to shift his focus away from his grief and feelings of guilt toward his studies and becoming a teacher.” Mom smiled. “Then during his later teenage years, Gideon entered the schoolhouse and met a teenager with a familiar face and the heart of an angel. His soul brightened, and he told his mother he felt whole again. He started to laugh and smile more. Hope had returned. The Castels finally had their son back.”
I blew my nose.
“The joy you’ve brought to the island has brightened so many lost souls. That’s why they call you the lighthouse.”
“Gideon’s parents call me that? The lighthouse?”
“Yes, among others, but Caden came up with the name.”
“He did?”
She nodded.
“But I haven’t done anything special. I don’t deserve that title.”
“You most certainly do, my sweet girl. You’ve changed all our lives in the best possible way. I need you to know how much we’ve loved being your parents for the short time we’ve had you. It’s been an honor and a joy.” Mom sniffled. “Our community loves you, no matter what you decide to call yourself.”
“I love you so very much, Mom. Thank you for telling me that.” I drew a deep breath and studied my hands. “Gideon said that all fingerprints are unique, even clones. Mine and Laurie’s are different. So mine won’t match my old ones the government has on file as Anne. My legal name is Anika. I don’t think I can change it back even if I wanted to.”
“Gideon’s right, but I imagine your mother and father will want to call you Anne.”
“I am Anne. That’s true, but you and everyone else can still call me Anika if you’d like.”
Glass shattered. Mom and I whipped our heads toward the sound. Caden stood just outside the room, trembling with his jaw dropped and his eyes locked on me. On the polished linoleum, a vase had broken into several pieces; its fragrant pink and orange flowers strewn across the floor.
I tucked a pillow behind me. “Hi Caden.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to do it. It was an accident. I’m so sorry.” He bolted out of view.
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